New i-SkyProtect Technology Aids Return to Free-Range Parenting

You love your precious snowflake indigo child, and don’t want anything to ever go badly for them. We don’t blame you, we are parents and love our kids too and that’s why we, here at Nano-Wings™, we have developed the i-SkyProtect child safety monitoring system.

Whenever a child is out of your direct supervision, they are potentially in danger. be it from stranger-danger and bullying, to falls and accidents resulting from inattention to their surroundings; the i-SkyProtect unit helps you extend a cocoon of protection around your child wherever they go.

How Does It Work?

Out of the box, the i-SkyProtect is easily programmed to lock onto a single child.  From that moment, the i-SkyProtect unit’s entire existence is dedicated to keeping that child safe from all manner of harm.

The WiFi hotspot built into the i-SkyProtect unit automatically connects securely to any web-enabled browser or to our dedicated smartphone app, allowing concerned parents to receive alerts or monitor a situation remotely and manually initiate interventions if necessary.

When programming a unit to recognize a specific child, cameras aboard the tiny i-SkyProtect unit, automatically scan and register a complete record of what the child looks like, so it can recognize them from just about any distance or angle. Our sweaty IT guy, who lives in his mother’s basement, tells us that the best way to do this is to stand the naked child alone in a room, while the unit is making its scan. He assures us that this is all completely normal, very safe, and no pictures of your naked child will ever be sent anywhere but for archival purposes. We trust him.

Your child, secure in the knowledge that they are protected wherever they go, will be able to grow into the best neurotic, privileged, self-obsessed adult they can be.

The i-SkyProtect is a micro-scale quad-copter drone that silently hovers about 5 feet above and behind your child, or closer in tight quarters, and follows them wherever they go. The small size allows it to go about its work unobtrusively and means that it uses very little power to keep aloft. The on-board LTE (light to energy) panels keep it charged throughout the day, even from fluorescent or LED lights. The unit continuously streams data and video about the environment, back to our secured servers where it is instantaneously analyzed for possible dangers. The unit can also monitor vital signs like heart rate, and body temperature, if the child is fitted with a Fitbit™ or similar device. Implantable chips are also in development.

When your child encounters a situation where inattention to their surroundings can put them in danger, the i-SkyProtect can issue “Stop!”, “Pay Attention!”, “Don’t You Give Me That Face!” and “Quit Crying You Little Wuss!” commands in your own voice, assuring compliance.

The unit is designed to keep vigil even during private moments, like going to the bathroom, sleepovers and meeting friends in back of the garden shed, all places where things might, you know, happen. As we noted before, all video and data streams are encrypted and archived, for your review, if needed. Our aforementioned basement-dwelling, sweaty IT guy assures us that this is all very secure and trustworthy, so that nothing could possibly go wrong.

Additional plugins are available to allow the i-SkyProtect to take pictures of your child’s most endearing and d’aww-worthy moments, and post them automatically to your favorite social media account.

Defensive Measures

If your child encounters a dangerous situation while under the protection of the i-SkyProtect unit, it can automatically signal you via SMS or instant message. The unit is Skype™ enabled, allowing you to intercede verbally if necessary.

The i-SkyProtect unit also has pre-programmed standing threat-mitigation protocols that can automatically run when an immediate danger is detected. Should your child encounter a bully, for example, the i-SkyProtect will automatically close the distance between your child and the perceived bully, to issue a stern, verbal warning. Were the bully to attempt to harm your child in any way, or try to disable the unit, it will go into a defensive state. In this mode, the unit will lock a small, powerful, blue-green laser onto the bully’s retinas and blind them momentarily, while instructing your child to apply a swift kick to the balls. If the bully is not completely incapacitated by this, the unit can power up it’s TASER unit and apply a stunning shock. Once the bully is fully immobilized, the unit will automatically take a photo of the offenders face, and using its built-in Sharpie™ marker, draw a dick and write the word “Fag” on the bully’s forehead. The photo will then be forwarded to the school psychologist because that kid obviously has issues and needs help. A shaming module can also be purchased separately, which will post the bully’s picture to social media along with several brutalizing aspersions on his or her parentage.

Your child, secure in the knowledge that they are protected wherever they go, will be able to grow into the best neurotic, privileged, self-obsessed adult they can be. Teen children will also appreciate the continuous-selfie mode, which can be activated for an additional fee to cover the extensive bandwidth use.