January 23, 2016

Malloy Warns Remaining CT Residents to Hunker Down

HARTFORD CT – Gov. Dannel P. Malloy held a press conference today, warning any residents remaining in Connecticut, to avoid travel today on the states aging and failing infrastructure. Malloy then took the opportunity to announce new taxes on snow removal equipment, salt and residents who build snowmen in their front yards. These are designed to fill shortfalls in the budget left by former residents, small businesses and major corporations fleeing the state in droves.

“I, uh… we, uh… have to… ahhh, um… do something,” Governor Malloy, “We, uhm… must… ah, make it, uhm… clear that we, uhm… ahh… are… elucidating, uhm… our, ah… position… clearly.”

The Governor reminds anyone actually remaining in the state, that storms like this carry a very real risk of snow, possibly some wind. This storm is completely unlike what former residents are experiencing by living in places like Florida, Arizona, New Mexico and pretty much anywhere else except fucking Connecticut.

Lt. Gov. Nancy Wyman, standing at Malloy’s shoulder, nodded sagely and smiled at reporters, in the hope she might get to stand at the podium and speak, following her bravura turn at the mic-check. Given the time constraint, however, and the Governor’s lengthy delivery, Wyman was unable to speak.

The Governor also took this time to announce his sponsorship of a bill to tax ex-residents.